07/15/2016

Look into me, not my eyes, those are working to deceive you for your benefit; make you comfortable. There is no insatiable malevolence, no intent to malign your well-being. Not so simple it exists to protect me from the shaded idea that others cannot abide unhappiness in the simple questions that precipitates a greeting.
“How are you?”…
“I think of greeting death as a final lover. I will my limbs to action at the start of every day before I wipe the tears from eyes that flow readily with loss before the waking sun. I consider myself unworthy in the face of decency that caresses moonlit couples hand in hand in anticipation of forgetting the world in the joining of their embrace. In short, my life is empty and meaningless in an emotional turbulence that destroyed me so completely I can never love again. The world is piss and anger, fortuitous peaks demolished and forgotten, so rarely do they come, and whose ever-present reminisce only serves to remind me of what I lost.”
But my lips form the reply: “I’m doing well, and you?”
Were it once, it could be coincidence, unfortunate and circumstantial.
Twice is the harbinger of doubt and the mind creating a hollow simulacrum of self worth.
Thrice is the partner of bad choices; of lack of wisdom.

Last, and most potent, I know now I am flawed. An inherent repulsion, in destiny driven to be denied what my heart wants most.
Grow old with love.
I both adore and resent those who know it. I do not believe in doom or fate. I am simply not a viable companion. I have spent years trying to understand why. I may never know.
And so I write. I write to avoid the gravity of madness, to explore and try to understand the unknowable. I don’t know if there is another human being I can ever connect with, but I cannot think that will ever be.
If you find love, the abiding and true love that makes you wonder how you were ever so luck as to have experienced it. If that person feels the same for you, then you do every damn thing in your power to keep it. Love yourself, cherish the moment, do anything you can to keep it alive and never give up. It is rare, so rare that it truly cannot be wasted in this finite life.

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