Last Day of Parole


Such an interesting idea, to put away everything else in your life and concentrate on task or situation. Death, rejection, dishonor, madness – all placed in a box (compartmentalization they call it) and forgotten in order to succeed in the moment.

Can you do this? Is it sun and moon? Not so opposite when you see the moon in the daytime. Crossover, melding, grey misty amalgamation. We love the lies we tell ourselves bout who we are and what we can do.

But today is my last day. I’m putting something away for a while. Once treasured and sought after. The fantasy of the American dream, the part where we all get along and smile at neighbors behind white (white) picket fences. The part where a loving wife greets her husband at the door, a clean door, with dinner on the table – that was never part of my dream, so I can put it away easily. The lurid promise of true and unrelenting love from Disney. I wanted that. That’s what I’m putting away. For a time. Until I learn to love myself, which may take some time.

I imagine myself now. Good friends, pleasant company, not striving to meet my daily needs and recognized for hard work. A thank you. Amazing what suffices in the workplace to make some happy.

I’ve worked hard for taskmasters, corporate and heartless, and let me tell you (Those of you who haven’t been subjected to the humiliation of corporate customer service) that it is paid servitude. You make too much? We process you out and find another to do the job for less. Workplace longevity for the classless is gone.

But I don’t want you to think this is about mourning loss. The regrets of my youth, the terrible things that almost broke me no longer sit in my heart, but on a mantle. Never to be forgotten, only reflected on from time to time. They have done their work, hardened me. Don’t lose heart. I did not die, nor do I plan to, nor will you even when it feels like you will every day.

What will I be?

Every bit myself. I will not let others abuse me. I refuse to stand by and watch bullies without stepping in. I focus on the most important blessing (if I can call it that) that I have; my children – whose even temperament and kind hearts inspire me to be a better man – a better father.

I have put away the lust for a relationship to validate my worth. I am too strong to be defined by the whims of others approval. I have begun a new career after almost twenty years of doing a job I love in an environment that I hate. I took a chance, and everything is falling into place.

If you are afraid, it’s OK. Courage cannot exist without it. Take that step. Don’t think about what you would like to do. Do it. ¬†Being bold will cause you to fail again and again. When you succeed, and you will if you commit to being a better person, you will succeed big and love what you have earned. If you never take that chance, you fail every day. Look for opportunity. Think Critically, challenge everything.

I am going to be the best at what I do. Not at first, but with experience. I know this, because I say it and believe it. Picture yourself everyday doing what you love, what brings you and your family prosperity.

I have felt trapped for almost twenty years. But the last year has ended, I walk forward into the unknown, knowing what I will change.

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